Friday, February 13, 2009

No Dead Heroes (1987)

1987 - No Dead Heroes (Cineventures Inc/Maharaj-Miller Film)

[Filmed in 1985 as "Blood Machines", distributed with the assistance of West Indies producer Anthony Mahiraj. Released on French VHS as "Commando Massacre", on Danish VHS as "War Machine", and on German VHS as "Geheimcode Leopard"]

Director/Producer “J.C. Miller”/Danilo Cabreira Story/Screenplay “J.C. Miller”/Danilo Cabreira, Arthur N. Gelfield [Nick Nicholson also helped with the script] Executive Producer Marciano Jao Cinematography Freddie C. Grant Music Marta M. Wellman Editor Edgar Vine [is it Edgardo “Boy” Vinarao?] Rerecording Mixer Mark Ruta Set Director Arthur Gelfield Art Directors Donnie Gonzalez, Ramon Nicdao Assistant Director Joel Freeman Production Manager Antonio Ramm Stunt Coordinator Val Morris Casting Directors Paul Vance, Daniel Zale Dialogue Coach Nick Nicholson Field Cashier Albert Arte Special Effects Jun Rambell Sound Effects Editors Cabrales Brothers Makeup/Prosthetics Cecille “Bann”/Baun Assistant Makeup Violy Puzon, Babes Gales Script Supervisor Asset Bernabe Schedule Master Rene Gracilla Stills Roger Bles Gaffer Angel Ares Assistant Editors Bagani Celis, Tom Rao Propsman Roy Bern Property Custodian Jess Gamon Transportation Captain Ding Samonte Wardrobe Manny Long Wardrobe Assistants Voltaire Ramiro, Raffy Evangelista, Fred Brown, Blanca Grepe Meal Checker Jessie Aguilar Utility Freddie Gallope, Greg Ray Caterer Greggy Reyes, Lo Leng Assistant Cameraman Roy Sangco Field Soundman Rudy Teope Loader Jojo Mariano Boomman Genex Vale Lifter Tom Dox Electrician Edd Quin Crew Rudolph Bill, Al Alvarez, Jose Llames, Abe Valdez, Gilbert Green Generatorman Jim Kell

Cast Max Thayer (William Sanders), John Dresden (Harry Cotter), Toni Nero (Barbara Perez), Nick Nicholson (Ivan Dimanovitch), Mike Monty (Frank Baylor) [listed as “Mike Monte” in the opening credits], Dave Anderson (General Arthur Craig), Dann Oliver (Montagnard), Rex Smith (Montagnard), John Carr (Camp Commanding Officer), Danny Bell (Vietnamese Officer), Paul Vance, Bill James Haverly Green Berets Steve Rogers, Ronnie Patterson, Warren McLean, “Erik”/Eric Hahn, Gerald Tosco, Joseph Collins, Harry Lausman

Review from the Ruthless Reviews website:

Matt Cale is our hero...


Mission: Terminate the KGB Jungle Experiments.

Goal: Destroy the Human Killing Machines.

Order: Leave No One Alive!

Entire Story in Fewer Words than are in this Sentence:

Crazed KGB agent brainwashes Green Beret; hundreds perish.


Disappointingly, none to be found. The only thing that came close was a camera shot through a beefy man's legs. Still, in a Death Wish sort of way, the message is sent that if you love a woman, she will eventually get shot.

Corpse Count:

This film was a fucking bloodbath! A whopping 237 people were killed for my entertainment. Here's the breakdown: 101 Yellow Bastards, 93 Latin Devils, 25 Atheistic Russkies, and 18 Innocent, Noble Americans.

How Bad Was it Really?

If budget, effects, acting, script, and story aren't a concern, it's not half bad. Among the more insipid elements:

The KGB agent (Ivan Mitovich) has the sort of accent you'd find in Montgomery, Alabama.

The exteriors were clearly shot in the director's backyard.

The soundtrack is so inappropriate that during scenes of extreme violence, the film could have been mistaken for a wacky comedy.

A sign posted in the Soviet Union says "USSR," despite the fact that "CCCP" would have been the more accurate designation.

After Vietnam vet Richard Sanders says to the head of the CIA, "Fuck you, Baylor, I'm not one of your pawns anymore," he actually picks up a pawn from a nearby chess board and throws it at the director's chest.

The editing is so poor that characters are often cut off in mid-sentence.

Sanders is fucking a double agent from El Salvador less than 24 hours after watching his entire family murdered before his eyes. The next day, he says that he loves her.

That same sex scene is one of the least erotic and most pointlessly overlong in cinema history. And if I'm not mistaken, that's Gloria Gaynor on the soundtrack.

In all, I've rarely been exposed to a film of this supreme incompetence. It's so cheap and so badly dubbed in parts that it took all of my power to stay away from the stop button. Thankfully, I just might be the only person alive to have seen this piece of shit.

Post-Mortem One-Liners:

The cigar-chomping KGB cracker fires off, "Nobody spits in my face goddammit! Nobody!" after putting a bullet in an American POW's heart.

Stupid Political Context:

Despite the ultra-cheap surroundings, the typical Cold War rhetoric spilled out. Russians are uniformly portrayed as sadistic tyrants who hate God and love to watch free people suffer and die. And of course, all Latin American activities are being directed from Moscow. Communists also enjoy raping old women, butchering young children, and burning the houses of the non-compliant. The fierce American hero of the film even states at one point, "We go to sleep, Communists will steal this world as sure as thieves in the night." But what's with the CIA director who looks like Hugh Hefner?

Novelty Death:

A POW is burned with cigars and has his fingernails pulled out until he dies of shock; a Vietcong soldier is shot in the crotch with an arrow before falling to his death; and a man is shot in the chest while walking across a bridge, pausing only to stabilize himself on the railing with his left hand, before jumping over the side.

What You Learned:

Greasy, pot-bellied Latin American thugs ejaculate after only 30 seconds of fucking, while virile American studs are able to last for hours. And to think that I had always dismissed the rumors of a Guatemalan grandfather...

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